A for Anxiety
The first page of the book was the easiest. Mateo originally suggested “What if?” for “W,” but ultimately we all felt that “Anxiety” got to the bottom of our feelings.
Anxiety is a tough one to grapple with. Where does anxiety begin and end? It’s a blurry line between nervousness, tentativeness, caution, and doubt. Mateo has always been an anxious boy, always scared of the worst possible outcome. His learning disabilities have also chipped away at his self-confidence. Ultimately so am I, perhaps in a different way, perhaps very much the same.
Mateo and Noodle. ABC(orona) ©Lowy+Lacar, 2020
I have always been scared. There I said it. It’s part of why I went to war, swim with sharks, or work out furiously in the gym. In some ways, I’m always trying to tamp down the feelings of fear, to beat down the internal doubt that constantly envelopes me with pulse-pounding adrenaline and biceps that will shield me. Why? Because I was a sad and lonely boy, who from the very beginning was taught to doubt myself and question the validity of my choices. This resulted in an inability to make decisions. Should I study this? Should I walk down this block? Should I buy these sneakers? In fact, when Marvi and I first moved in together, I spent three hours staring at a frying pan at Bed Bath and Beyond, paralyzed by the possibility of a disappointing purchase. My anxiety rests on the shoulder of shame. Somehow, childhood and generational trauma clutches deep into my roots. I have always been concerned with people disliking me, with friends abandoning me, with editors forgetting about me or not returning my emails… I’ve been scared that I will live that childhood story again and again — alone, the world crashing down around me. What I didn’t have was the ability and the guidance to work through my anxiety in a healthy way. So I ended up dealing with my problems in the most self-destructive way, shielded by a false bravado and often alienating my friends. All this resulted in the very thing that I feared the most — abandonment.
As a creative, my soul is very much intertwined with my work. My photographs and videos are a reflection of my being. If they aren’t good, then neither am I. Many times I can’t follow through with my images. My first love was street photography, but it terrifies me to photograph people. I’m waiting for someone to object, to call me out, to yell at me, to shame me. This might sound shallow, but this kind of self-doubt led to some poor decisions, thinking that I was fighting my fears by charging into situations that I thought would fortify my confidence. In the last few years, I have come to realize how toxic these actions were, and how much my marriage hung on the balance if I didn’t get my act together. I wanted to do better for Marvi, the boys, and especially for myself.
When I first got an assignment to cover the Corona virus lockdown in NYC, I was validated by a cinema camera. It was a sheer show of force. Like a massive tank sitting in a quiet Kabul street, the camera was my shame displacement. I thought my journalistic credentials would not be challenged. Clearly my source of strength was again problematic, and it did not hold. After three days of shooting and traveling on the subway, I expressed concern about the potential for bringing the virus home to my boys. The assigning editor called me “negative” and hung up the phone on me. So I ran back into the city. I was so angry, so concerned that if I didn’t go back, I wouldn’t get any more work, that I would get blackballed by expressing doubt, that I wouldn’t be able to provide for my family. Marvi begged me not to go, but my anxiety reached its peak. It was a palpable fear of failure, of being thought of as weak and timid, rather than cautious and responsible. I gave into it.
Though my journey towards healing is not a straight line, I don’t want Mateo to walk the same path. He doesn’t have to be tortured by his biologically predisposition, nor do I want to be a model of self-doubt. He doesn’t need the added weight of patriarchal norms that is taking me some time to unlearn. Marvi and I are trying (though clearly sometimes fumbling) to create a more open space where he can have the vocabulary to speak honestly about his feelings and regulate his emotions.
Ben Lowy
5.15.2020
RESOURCES
One great resource we found is an organization called Build Up Boys particularly this post on How to parent boys during the coronavirus. If you’re a parent, this is a great interview with Dr. Michael C. Reichert who emphasized that “strong men come from secure attachments.” They discuss the misogynistic roots of our perception of strength and fragility that is “archaic, instinctual and corruptive of our developmental understanding of boys.” According to co-founder, Kimmi Berlin:
Both genders have struggled with societal pressure. Girls have been told to play it small. Don’t be too loud. Don’t be too aggressive or too competitive or too ambitious. They have fought hard to vote, to play sports, to lead fortune 500 companies and to do cutting-edge scientific research... Thankfully there are more options for kids today. They don’t have to conform to one or the other. Gender identification is no longer considered binary, but more of a spectrum. Some people even think gender shouldn’t exist at all. What I have learned firsthand, having two sons, is that boys start out with the same range of HUMAN emotions that girls do. We simply need to help them hold onto this range, and we need to start young. Instead of tamping down the bad, let’s build up the good.
Here are other articles we found helpful:
Anxiety and Coping with the Corona Virus
How to Ask Kids What They’re Feeling
Nine Ways to Reduce COVID-19 Related Anxiety
For some funny and helpful advice, check out Dear Abbys’ Dish Advice in Dark Times
As for journalists and editors, Juntos Coop has a comprehensive guideline for hiring editors during the COVID-19 crisis. My story is not unique. Here’s a thread from Melissa Lyttle, about other challenges facing freelancers.
Giving
There are lots of people hurting right now and we’ve chosen to devote our time and resources to the following charities and individuals:
United Way of New York City - The organization helps the hardest hit New Yorkers with food, housing and benefits. Learn more about what they do and how you can help HERE.
Families in our school community who lost loved-ones from COVID-19:
North Jersey Pride - They’re dedicated to supporting LGBTQ youth and families in our area. Learn more about their mission and what you can do to help HERE.
